How to Help Kids Fight and Make Up

2 Comments May 17, 2012 in Parenting

How do you help your kids start liking each other again after they fight?

In a recent Parenting post (When Kids Fight) I promised to share what my mom did with us when we were young.

Helping your kids make up

My mom was very creative.

She would make us face each other, I think she tied us up with a rope or something (it was not abusive, just saying) with our noses nearly touching. We had to stay like that until we loved each other again.

One day when my own kids were being really nasty to each other I decided to use my mom’s great idea. I didn’t have any rope around so I hunted through my husband’s closet and found a large sweater.

The Sweater

Both of their little heads fit through the neck opening, both sets of arms fit into the sleeves and they faced each other.

How to Help Kids Fight and Make Up - Carla Anne Coroy - two kids in the same sweater

It doesn't take long for squabbling siblings to break down walls in their hearts with laughter when faced with 'The Sweater' discipline!

This kind of treatment only takes about 5 minutes (maybe less), and by that point they are often laughing their heads off. I wouldn’t take the sweater off until they had apologized with a full apology and had given each other a kiss. (They were little children and kisses are fine!)

The Like List and more

On other occasions I would have the kids take turns listing what they liked about each other, until their hearts were soft enough to really love each other again. We always ended with a hug for sure, and a kiss when they were young enough for that.

Sometimes if I didn’t have time to sit and listen to their Lists of Likes and there was no sweater available I’d have them hug each other until they liked each other.

If hugs didn’t work (think seat belts in a van) I’d have them hold hands and gaze into each other’s eyes. Again… this usually ends in fits of giggling. I’m okay with that. It means they haven’t let the walls go up in their hearts and I like that.

Once their hearts were soft, and the relationship was restored, if they hadn’t already apologized I would take that time right away to give them the chance to apologize with a true apology and to offer forgiveness.

Incorporating Prayer

Prayer has often been a part of our discipline practice. Not always. But often.

I wish now I had done it more often and from younger. I didn’t think about it until I was older. We almost always prayed to God for forgiveness of their sin when they had been naughty.

But one thing I did too infrequently was to have them pray for each other. I highly recommend it. That is one of the best ways to train your children to bless others – even those who hurt them.

For a mom who is working hard to raise godly kids, it’s not just about getting the fighting to stop. It’s also about building character in the process and making sure relationship is restored before it’s all over.

What about you?

What do you do to help your kids make up after a fight? How was your mom or dad creative when disciplining you?

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Stickers, Stars and Other Rewards

3 Comments May 16, 2012 in Christian Life, Parenting, Teen Girls and Women

Sometimes I wish I got stars. Or stickers. Or something!

Giving out stickers and treats

When my young’uns were potty training they got stickers for every time they tinkled in the toilet. When they got 10 stickers they got a treat.

And pooping was worth more than one sticker. So if they pooped in the potty they got a treat faster!

I’ve done similar things with chores, bed-making, teeth-brushing, hair-combing and homework-doing.

As they get older they don’t want stickers anymore. Now they want others things. Usually money.

I can often find things to do that are worthy of a few dollars – spraying dandelions in the yard, washing the windows from the outside, defrosting and cleaning a freezer – stuff like that.

But no one ever gives me sticker. Or stars. Or dollars for that matter!

I was thinking today, ‘Hmmm… I think I could get a lot more done in a day if I got a reward at the end of it. That’s my problem! I don’t get rewards!’

(Yes, I do see the very lovely Mother’s Day cards still standing on my mantle… and yes, they say really nice things including thank you. But I have to be honest. A card once a year is not nearly as great as a sticker every time a child piddles in the pot – let’s be real!)

Stickers Stars and Other Rewards - Carla Anne Coroy - Mommy's Reward Chart with stickers

Then I began thinking how selfish and greedy I must be to want motivational stickers.

Well, I don’t really want stickers. Coffee cards, a few bucks, a day off here and there, a team that cheers me on whenever I’m really putting in some great effort. Things like that.

Pretty juvenile, right?

Maybe.

God gives rewards too

But then I think about the fact that God promises us rewards, too.

If we accept His way of salvation and grace through His one and only son we can have heaven! If we live holy lives there will be rewards for that!

I think God gets us.

He says in the Bible that He remembers that we are just dust.

Just dust. Yep. No motivation or backbone in dust. That’s why He needed to give us promises for rewards in heaven.

I’m not sure exactly what they all are… but I do know I want some! So I’ll live a life of holiness and submission to God. I’ll obey as much as I can and when my strength is at an end I’ll keep going because God alone is my strength.

And so I’m learning that there is nothing at all wrong with rewards! My kids don’t go chicken catching in stinky barns just to be nice. They go because there’s a nice reward at the end called a pay check.

I can’t give myself a pay check but I can remind myself, as I work around the house and do the little mundane things that never seem to end, that whatever I do needs to be done heartily as if I’m doing it only for the benefit of the Lord.

And usually I am. No one else really cares!

But I’m also doing it for reward. Plain and simple and true.

I could use a reward for losing weight. For exercising every day. For keeping my bathroom tidy. I really wouldn’t mind.

But for now… When I’m done this post… I’ll reward myself with a nap!!

How about you?

  • Do you work for rewards?
  • How do you feel about the fact that God expects us to work for rewards in heaven?
  • What kind of rewards do you give yourself?
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Should Christians Wear Bikinis?

224 Comments May 14, 2012 in Christian Life, Teen Girls and Women

Okay… here we go again!! I’m about to step on the toes of many people… even some of those I love dearly.

But it’s not because I want to offend anyone, it’s because this is such an important issue.

I don’t think Christians should wear bikinis

I’ve never understood how a girl can shriek in panic if her dad or brother or grandpa comes near her bedroom door when she’s changing, wearing a bra and panties, but then run around in less than that on the beach and think it’s okay.

I really do not understand that.

I and my girls do not wear bikinis. The reason is modesty.

But why do I think modesty is so important? Why should tans and fashion be pushed aside in favor of modest, breast-belly-bum covering clothing?

Because…

  • God says you are made with value, and that value has nothing to do with your breasts or how sexy you are.
  • Boys and men (yes even the old senior citizen men on the beach) are turned on by your body.
  • Boys and men who see a woman’s body – especially a naked body (or mostly naked) – can remember that image even if they saw it for less than 13 seconds. And they can recall it more than 60 YEARS later with excruciating detail.
    • That means, yes, when Mr. Not-So-Pure-Old-Man on the beach goes home and wants to have self-sex he may well be thinking about you in the bikini. I’m not kidding.
  • Your brother and his friends (and cousins and uncles and probably grandpa) cannot help that their brain and body have a physical and chemical reaction to seeing your breasts and almost naked body.
    • Which means that you are putting these guys in a very, very difficult position. Many of them control themselves when you are around, but don’t even ask what they say when you are not. Trust me… they do say things, and even do things!
  • Boys and men who see you in a bikini have an automatic response to you: their brain actually reacts to you as if you are not a person, but rather a tool like a chain saw or hammer or power drill. Yep… you just became something to be used, not loved.

Don’t believe me? Watch this video.

God wants more for you. He wants you to know you are loved because of who you are.

He wants you to know you are beautiful because He made you.

And no matter how unfashionable it may be, you will have the respect and honor of the men around you if you don’t put on that bikini.

Finding Modest Bathing Suits

Here are some places you can find modest bathing suits:

Should Christians Wear Bikinis - Carla Anne Coroy - A DivinitaSole Bathing Suit

  • http://swimmodest.com/ – We bought these for years. We loved them! They are one-pieces, but very, very comfortable.
  • http://www.simply-modest.com/
  • http://www.divinitasole.com/ – I particularly like the ‘Bowtie Tankini’ and the fact that you can choose modest cut bottoms.
  • http://www.limericki.com/ – we’ve found great tankinis here paired with the shorts bottoms. Not everything is modest, use wise judgment.
  • http://www.swimsuitsforall.com/#back – many of these are modest, especially if you notice that they have ‘modest’ options for leg openings, back opening, and neck openings. We’ve found this site great for one-pieces as my girls have exceptionally long bodies and finding a one-piece is very, very difficult. Again, make sure it meets your modesty standard. (CAUTION: We have recently tried to return a swimsuit here and had significant difficulty with customer service.)
  • http://hydrochic.com/modest-swimsuits.html – they have some seriously modest swim suits including long sleeves, long legs, and skirts. But still sporty!

What Do You Think?

You know where I stand, but maybe you don’t agree! Or maybe you do!

Tell us what you think on this issue!

One more question: If you have lived or currently live in a culture other than a typical North American culture, please comment on how modesty issues are different or the same in that part of the world. If another part of a woman’s body is sexually attractive in that culture (thighs versus breasts, or necks versus bottoms, etc) what does modesty look like there?

Some Related Posts by Carla Anne

Low Necklines – Modesty Part One
Carla Anne discusses modesty standards for tops. Includes tips on finding or adapting tops.

Modest Mocks – Modesty Part Two
Carla Anne gives step by step instructions on how to make a Modest Mock. Want to wear that great looking top, but the neckline is too low and you don’t want to wear another shirt underneath? This is a fantastic solution.

Purity
Carla Anne responds to a Toronto Star article based on the book “The Purity Myth”, which claims that “the myth of sexual purity is damaging a whole generation of women”.

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Kindle Touch 3G Winner!!

2 Comments May 13, 2012 in Food & Fun, Homeschool, Marriage, Married Single Moms, News, Parenting and Women

I know… you’ve all been waiting with bated breath, right?

I have received many surveys back. But there are still WAY more that I’ve sent out that haven’t been sent back yet.

If you still have one that’s not completed, please send it in as soon as you can. Unfortunately the giveaway is over, but you can still be part of Interviews 2012. I’ll still be looking for many, many more participants.

So…. drum roll please…

The Referral Prize

Unfortunately there is no winner for the referral prize yet!

There were some people on my referral list – unfortunately the people they referred to me have not completed and returned the surveys to me!

So… if you referred someone, give them a call and encourage them to get their surveys back to me so you can be entered to win.

I’m going to extend the referral prize draw until May 30th.

That means if you want another chance to refer someone… get on the move! Send an email to me telling me who you referred – and then have them contact me for the interview and return the completed survey to me before May 30th.

For each person you refer who returns a completed survey, you receive an entry.

So go for it! There is a $20 gift card on the line!

Now for the second drum roll please…

Kindle Touch 3G Winner - Carla Anne Coroy - a Kindle Touch 3G

Kindle Touch 3G Winner!

The winner of the Kindle Touch 3G is…

Nicole Elliott!!

Congratulations, Nicole! Please send me an email and we’ll connect on how to get this to you.

Remember… I’m still collecting interviews, so please spread the word to the Moms you know!

 

(I used Random.org to determine the giveaway winner.)

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Happy Mother’s Day – Skit Guys

Leave a comment May 13, 2012 in Food & Fun

Happy Mother’s Day!

Here’s a Mother’s Day song from the Skit Guys. Enjoy!

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Mixed Emotions of Mother’s Day

2 Comments May 12, 2012 in Marriage, Married Single Moms, Parenting, Personal, Teen Girls and Women

There’s a prominent web-based business running a promotional campaign right now. That’s because more people sign up for their services on the Monday after Mother’s Day than almost any other day of the year.

Mixed Emotions of Mother's Day - Carla Anne Coroy - Happy Mother's Day Gift - source 123rfHmmm…. would it be a spa because moms are cashing in their gift cards? No.

Is it a restaurant because families are skipping restaurants on Sunday thinking Monday will be slower, with better service? No.

This one surprised my socks off!!

It’s a web business devoted to helping married people have affairs.

Yep. Blatantly encouraging women to sign up to ruin their marriages.

Their motto? Life is short. Have an affair.

What are you expecting for Mother’s Day?

So what’s that all about anyway?

Are these women really so distraught and disappointed over how their husbands treated them on Mother’s Day that they feel the best option is an affair! Really!?!?!

It’s like ‘you hurt me and now I’ll hurt you back’.

That’s SO mature.

Now… I do think that husbands should teach and help their children to honor their mother.

But no wife is her husband’s mother… so if he doesn’t celebrate you, THANK GOODNESS!! And if you expect your husband to dote on you and honor you on Mother’s Day maybe it’s time you started treating him like a man instead of a child. Respect him as an adult. Let him honor his mom (and maybe yours if he wants).

But don’t expect that he will honor you on Mother’s Day. You are not his mom.

Okay. That was my first vent of the Mother’s Day season.

Carla Anne’s Mother’s Day Vent Number Two

Here’s the second.

Mother’s Day is NOT ABOUT BEING A MOM!!!!

It’s not all about you!

If Mother’s Day is a big deal to you it should be because you HAVE OR HAD a mom. If you have a mom or had a mom (which would be all of you) then you have something to celebrate.

My biggest beef is that many churches and families have twisted the day to focus too much on the people who have children. But that’s just not right. It is not about celebrating MY motherhood – that’s my kids job. If I’m celebrated, great. If not, oh well. But I had better celebrate MY mom.

So when leaders in church have moms stand it is awkward.

Those who’ve had miscarriages don’t know… should I stand because I have a baby in heaven? What if nobody knows about that miscarriage?

What about those who chose to abort their babies? They are just as much mothers as those who have raised a team of kids to adulthood.

What about the mom who has had to bury her only child, or one of her children, or who’s child has become a prodigal and has disowned his family, or who’s child has been missing for years?

You see… that focus is on “do you have children”. But that’s not what Mother’s Day is about.

Mother’s Day is about having a mom. And honoring her.

Celebrating our Moms

Mixed Emotions of Mother's Day - Carla Anne Coroy - Labels Spelling Mom - source 123rf

To my Mom: Thanks mom for praying for me. I know I can always turn to you for help, advice and a shopping companion! Thanks for teaching me how to live with wisdom. Thanks for loving me no matter what. Happy Mother's Day, Mom!

So… let’s celebrate this properly this year!

If you have a mom, and she’s alive – honor her. Thank her for giving you life. Celebrate the character she raised you to have.

If your mom has passed away, celebrate the legacy she left. The fact that she gave you life, raised you, and taught you much of what you know needs to be lifted up. Tell someone. Write a note, a poem, sing a song, post a blog – whatever you want – but make sure you honor what she did.

If your mom didn’t raise you well, or abandoned you, or for whatever reason has not lived up to your expectations of what a mom should be – that’s okay. Do you realize how many children are aborted each day? Thank God she chose life for you. That alone is a blessing she gave you. Your mama had courage to carry you and give birth to you. Celebrate that!

Remember – Mother’s Day is NOT about being a mom but is instead about celebrating the mom (or moms) you have been blessed with. Birth moms, foster moms, moms-in-law, adoptive moms, spiritual moms… moms. If you have had one… celebrate her.

You can start right here

Start by leaving a little comment here about YOUR mom.

Let us know how you’ll celebrate her. What is so special about the Mama you got!??

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Anyone have Vacuum Cleaner on their Mother’s Day Gift List?

4 Comments May 12, 2012 in Food & Fun, Parenting and Women

I don’t. I’m thinking Starbucks, a massage, a day at the beach to read a book that has nothing to do with raising kids or marriage or work or how-to-anything, and lots of laughs with my kids.

But… if my husband had a revelation like this… I might just take that vacuum cleaner too!

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Grieving a Bible

Leave a comment May 11, 2012 in Christian Life and Personal

When my husband and I had been married about 6 1/2 years we already had 3 children and were pregnant with the fourth.

We attended a great little church called Big Flats Wesleyan Church in Big Flats, NY. It was about a mile from where we lived on Suburban Drive in Elmira (we were much closer to Big Flats than Elmira, but our address was Elmira).

One day, and I have no idea why anymore, but I left church early and went home without the kids, leaving my husband to go home with everyone else… and all our stuff.

That alone is very unusual, and I can’t remember why I wasn’t with him, except that I was pregnant and maybe feeling sick. But that doesn’t really matter.

What matters is that he was responsible to get everything and everyone home safely.

Things didn’t go as planned.

Vehicle assisted launch

From what we can tell, Trent put the ‘stuff’ on top of the vehicle, buckled the kids into their car seats and drove home. Without taking the ‘stuff’ off the top of the van.

Have I mentioned my husband is a rocket scientist by education? Well this was a vehicle assisted launch.

We realized what must have happened later that day, when I couldn’t find… my Bible!

We searched and scrounged.

Trent went through every ditch, scouring over the approximately 1 mile distance between us and the church… but we never found my Bible.

My name and address (actually my parents’ address from when I was living at home) were written inside. We hoped that someone would find it and return it.

It’s been 12 years. That Bible is still missing.

Grieving a Bible

What shocked me was how hard I sobbed and how much I grieved for that Bible.

Grieving a Bible - Carla Anne Coroy - an open Bible

I had notes written in it. It was full of memories. Many prayers and confessions had been written in the back as I’d matured in Christ.

The words of God that had pierced my heart had been underlined and highlighted, with my thoughts written in the wide margin.

I’d had that Bible for many years and it felt like the recording of my life with Christ was gone.

Trent did buy me a new Bible, very similar in fact to the one that got lost. He apologized. I forgave him.

But I missed my Bible. I hadn’t realized I was so attached to it.

When I got my new one I read it and read it. I underlined and made notes. I desperately wanted the pages to have that familiar feel.

It didn’t take long.

My new Bible doesn’t have nearly the marks my first one did. And that’s okay. I’ve grown in different and new ways.

But the other thing I learned through this is that it really is okay, good in fact, to miss my Bible, and to grieve it.

John 1:1-2, 14 says, ‘In the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God and the Word was God. He was with God in the beginning… The Word became flesh and made his dwelling among us. We have seen his glory, the glory of the One and Only, who came from the Father, full of grace and truth.’

Because the Word of God is Jesus it only makes sense that we have a relationship with the Word of God. The Words impact us, change us, move us, convict us, mold us, and draw us into God’s presence.

It’s not the paper, the ink or the binding that brings this relationship, but the Life that is in the very words they contain.

The Word of God is Precious

How precious it is to have the Word of God in my hands, in my house, in my heart. Even though I have experienced losing the paper copy and have grieved over it, how much more excited I am to know that a new copy brings those same Words of Life, the Spirit of the same Jesus, and a tangible relationship with Christ.

For that reason I wish for many, for all people, to have the opportunity to hold the Word of God in their own language.

Jesus Himself sits at the right hand of the Father in heaven today… but He left us not only the Holy Spirit, but also His written words.

The people in this video understood that.

I find this video moving and challenging. Even though I love God and I love His Word, and even though I have grieved the loss of it, I have never experienced the depth of joy and reverence these people have for the Word of God.

Watch… and be challenged.

Kimyal Tribe Receives the Word for the First Time from anberlin_fan on GodTube.

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Will It Always Be This Hard?

4 Comments May 10, 2012 in Christian Life, Marriage and Married Single Moms

As I toured Southern Ontario this last month I met many married solo moms. The question always… will it get better? Will it always be this hard?

Will it get better?

I can’t say a flat-out No. But neither can I give everyone a Yes.

Your circumstances may never change. If that’s the case, no – it may not get any “better”.

For example, if your husband is choosing to be distant from your family, I cannot guarantee that if you do A+B+C your marriage will suddenly be amazing.

But I can promise you this…

If you become more and more the woman that God created you to be – fully devoted to God above all things, living in holy obedience – your situation will change.

Not because your husband or your circumstances are any different, but because YOU are different.

Will It Always Be This Hard - Carla Anne Coroy - Canadian Tire Store

Canadian Tire – the store I HATED as a child. Now I can happily spend hours here! The store didn't change… I did.

A trip to the hardware store

Do you remember being a child and going into the hardware store with your parents?

We’d go to Canadian Tire and I dreaded it. The store stunk like rubber from tires (I thought), and there was not a single thing in the store that was interesting.

Recently we bought a house and moved in. We were given a gift but we had to choose between a gift card for Pizza or a gift card for Canadian Tire. My husband and I thought it was a sort of dumb question because who WOULDN’T want the Canadian Tire gift card.

There’s no way I’d pick pizza over Canadian Tire!!!

What changed?

Canadian Tire is STILL a hardware store, they STILL sell tires and tools and camping supplies and other sundry supplies.

I’ll tell you what changed – I changed.

I grew up, I matured, and I learned the value of doing-it-yourself. I became a homeowner and I have to maintain that home. I am no longer a child who searches the aisles for toys and treats.

The same thing can happen in our marriages. We grow in the Lord, we mature and we learn how to live for holiness instead of happiness. Instead of searching for ‘toys and treats’ we’re looking for eternal treasures that we can build in our difficult marriages.

We learn to please God and not people. We see value in things eternal instead of things temporal.

I can now go into that same hardware store I used to hate and get lost for hours looking at paint chips, cabinetry hardware, perennials, and ergonomic snow shovels. And as we grow up in the Lord we can be in the same marriage relationship but find joy and hope because we are no longer looking for happiness in the same way.

God changes us

As we become women who put our trust fully in God, our relationships can’t help but change.

Our husbands have to relate to us differently because we are no longer the same people. Sometimes our husbands will respond by also changing to be more Christ-like. Sometimes they change by making things worse for us! Either way – we are no longer looking for ‘treats and toys’ in our relationship with them.

Instead we are on our knees before God asking Him to use these difficult days to refine us, to purify us and make us more and more like Him. We can ask for His wisdom and strength knowing with full confidence that He will answer our prayers and that His joy can be our strength.

So… will it always be this hard? So much of what you’re feeling and experiencing depends on you, and on your walk with God! Even when circumstances are horribly difficult, that doesn’t mean your situation needs to be without hope and joy.

It’s often those tough circumstances that God uses to help mold and grow us into women who reflect His glory.

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Teaching Vocabulary Words

5 Comments May 9, 2012 in Homeschool and Parenting

We were visiting great friends for a few weeks. One of their kids used a big word in his conversation – and suddenly they all interrupted with a cheer, ‘Cookie Word’!

Cookie Words!

We had no idea what a cookie word was, so they explained.

Their kids were encouraged to use big words in everyday communication. If they did, they’d get… a cookie! Therefore it became a ‘Cookie Word’.

We’ve never given cookies, but we’ve adapted the game and when someone uses a big word in context in everyday conversation (Mom, I have a headache. It’s like my cerebellum is pulsing.) then we cheer ‘Yeah! Cookie Word!’

It’s fun!

Teaching Vocabulary Words - Carla Anne Coroy - Literati Challenge game

Teaching Vocabulary

There are lots of good ways to build your kids’ vocabulary! Here are some ideas:

  • Read the Bible to them out loud, and when old enough, have them read it to you. Stop and ask for definitions of words they may not understand. It helps them get the story, too.
  • Read out loud to them as much as you can. We learn many definitions from context and tone. Read with inflection and they will understand almost every word. Read a word often enough and they’ll start to use it.
  • Don’t just read kid books. Find books with big words that have fascinating stories (The Door Within, for example).
  • Old words are often good cookie words. Find old, old stories or even the KJV if you want to try some old English.
  • Grab the dictionary! Find a good word every morning at breakfast and declare it the cookie word of the day! Then give rewards for whoever uses that word correctly in conversation throughout the day. (Even better if they include it in their written assignments!)
  • Buy a good vocabulary game. Balderdash is excellent. So is Literati Challenge. Literati Challenge is really for ages 13+, but we have used it younger and it’s fun. We’ve learned great words like perspicacity and odious. (Do you know what they mean?)
  • Ban boring words like ‘whatever’ and ‘good’ and ‘nice’ and ‘okay’ and ‘fine’. Choose a word to ban for the day and see how creative you can be with finding better, cookie words to replace it.

How about you?

How do you teach vocabulary to your kids? Do you have a cookie word you’d like to share?

(I have two I’m just dying to share… but I won’t until someone leaves a good cookie word in the comments!)

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