There seems to be a belief in our culture that everyone needs to have sex, and that sex is the be-all and end-all of life.
That’s just not true.
I may step on toes here… but hear me out.
Sex is for marriage
Before we are married God says not to have sex. Sex is only to be enjoyed with the context of marriage between one man and one wife. That’s it.
So if you are not married – no sex. Simple.
Don’t let the tabloids in the supermarket lane fool you. Based on all they publish you might think sex is the only thing that can make you happy, and the only ingredient to a happy marriage.
Sex is important for marriage, but it is not the only necessary ingredient.
What if you have same-sex attraction?
So what about those who are sexually attracted to the same gender? (Yes… I know… not a politically-correct subject. But I want you to know the truth.)
Let’s just say that you do have a physical, sexual attraction to someone of the same sex. Without going into how you got ‘that way’, let’s look at it seriously.
Our culture says… well, if you have that attraction then you must be gay or lesbian, and therefore you must fill your sexual need with someone of the same sex. The argument is made… ‘I was born with same-sex attraction so I need to meet that need. God must be okay with it. He made me, right?’
Listen… Yes, God made you. And I don’t care whether you view yourself as homosexual or heterosexual or something else, the Bible says NO SEX before marriage, or outside of marriage. It’s not about the sexual orientation you’re experiencing, whatever the intensity of that experience. God created sex for the context of a man and woman in marriage, and outside of that context it is sinful and destructive.
You could be dealing with same-sex attractions. But there is no acceptable place for same-sex sexual relations. What do you do with that? If you choose to marry (someone of the opposite gender), you can have sex. Otherwise, no sex.
You could be a heterosexual with sexual feelings stronger than anything that exists… But you’re not married. Maybe you just can’t seem to find that right person. What do you do with that? No sex.
AND THAT’S NOT THE END OF THE WORLD!!!!!
Abstinence is OK
Here’s a statement that scrapes hard against the grain of our culture today: There is absolutely nothing wrong with being abstinent.
It’s not a disease.
It’s not a punishment.
You won’t die if you don’t have sex.
That’s the truth.
Sex in Marriage
Once you are married, sex is on the menu. And greatly encouraged! It is an integral part of married life.
Ideally a man and a wife both love having sex and they enjoy each other regularly with a passion that takes them to the stars and back.
And that doesn’t always happen.
Usually one of them – sometimes him, sometimes her – has a stronger sex drive. That one usually feels like there’s not enough sex in the marriage. The other one feels pressure to have sex more often than they would normally prefer.
Sometimes things get out of hand and one of the spouses refuses to fulfill their marital privilege and duty of having sex. They lose out. Their spouse loses out. It is truly sad when that happens… but it happens a lot more than you think it might.
That’s often when the excuses start…
I have to look at porn, my wife won’t have sex with me.
My husband isn’t interested so I masturbate and fantasize about other men, real or imagined, to meet my sexual needs.
May I be frank with you?
You are making up excuses to sin and trying to shift the blame to someone else. If your spouse never, ever again gives you sex you won’t die!!!
Yes, there may be a large part of your heart that will hurt. Yes, an aspect of intimacy will be missing, and the fullness of what God desires for you won’t be realized on this earth.
But that gives you NO permission to sin.
When I hear husbands and wives complain that their spouses won’t have sex with them, the truth is I want to find a way grab their spouses and smack them up side the head! It’s wrong. Sex is part of marriage. It’s healthy. It’s necessary.
But it is NOT terminal – not for you, not for your marriage – if it never happens again.
(The Bible says the only time to withhold sex is if you are fasting and praying… and trust me, if you are fasting and praying, especially about your marriage… at some point God will tell you to go fulfill you marital duty and go make passionate love with your spouse. It’s part of HIS plan.).
God provided sexual intimacy for us within the context of marriage, at least in part, so that we might experience a glimmer of the beauty and power of who He is and the oneness that can come from being united with another person and Himself. A vision of the Trinity. It is a good and glorious thing.
But God can reveal Himself to us through any means He wants. And because we know He wants to reveal Himself to us, if He can’t do it through sex, don’t worry… you haven’t tied the hands of God.
When you are tempted to sin, to lust, to fantasize, to have sex outside of biblical, one-man-one-woman marriage remember this:
Not having sex won’t kill you!