Hypothetical Situation:
Macho Man sees Beauty Belle across the hall. They lock eyes. He thinks, “Wow, she looked me straight in the eyes, she must like me.”
She thinks, “Who is that? He sure looks like someone I’ve seen before.”
He invites her to go out for coffee. She says yes.
***Is it a date?
***Or is it coffee?
They arrive at the café. She’s dressed nicely with natural make-up. He’s wearing a clean shirt and jeans with no holes. He thinks, “She’s pretty good looking! This is a sweet way to spend an evening!”
She thinks, “I wonder if I could marry him? He’s not exactly ugly, but I’m not sure he’s my type either.”
***Is it a date?
***Or is it coffee?
He starts talking about what he does for hobbies, which movies he’s seen and where he works. She listens quietly, laughing sweetly at all the right places, making sure she seems polite even when her mind wanders.
He thinks, “She must like me because she seems to be having a good time. I better keep telling her about all my good points so she has a reason to say yes next time.”
Is it coffee or a date?
She thinks, “He sure does talk about himself a lot! I could NEVER marry a guy who talks so much about sports. I wonder if he likes me or if he just thinks I’m pretty. I wonder what he’d think if I’d have worn my little black dress instead of this turtle neck and jeans.”
***Is it a date?
***Or is it coffee?
I want to know what YOU think. This is very loosely based on a real situation. When does coffee become a date and why does it matter? As teen girls – or even single adults – does it really matter what we call it when we go out with a guy?
You have ONE WEEK to leave me as many comments and questions and comments back to each other as you can! Then I’ll be back to answer your questions and give you MY take!
Is it a date? Or is it coffee? Why?
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this is very interesting but i don’t really know what to say, i mean it sound like a date to me but they didn’t really say it was!
Thanks for your comment…
So… what would make this a date? and what would make it coffee? What is the difference between going out for coffee with a guy and going on a date with a guy?
Any ideas?
If it sounds like a date, acts like a date, it’s a date. Reminds me of middle school when boys and girls ‘went together.’ We went no where, but the underlying meaning was being boyfriend / girlfriend. The casualness of saying ‘going for coffee’ is what some may consider different from a date. However, to ‘date’ this phrase, I remember my Grandmother using it in the 1980′s when dating. “Having coffee” was still a date, it just meant she was meeting him for coffee.
Why would two people… a man, a woman… be having coffee? Would it not be to get to know each other? And if so isn’t that the same as a date?
So then are you saying that a man and a woman can never go out for coffee without it being a date? What about if someone went out for coffee with their boss to discuss work plans. Is that a date? What about if a guy just wants to go for coffee and decides to invite his friend… and she happens to be a girl.. maybe even with a boyfriend. Is that a date?
I’ve been in a situation like this before. I was going out for lunch with a guy– and he was paying!– and I kind of thought it was going to be a date… but then, on the morning that this ‘date’ was going to happen, one of my friends sent me a facebook message saying that she and this guy were now dating. So apparently this guy wasn’t interested in me at all, and yet he was still taking me out to lunch and paying.
And also, as I’m writing this, I’m hanging out with a good guy friend of mine (who is temporarily out of the room, otherwise I wouldn’t be writing this) that has paid for my lunch before, even though there is nothing romantic between us. He’s actually dating a good friend of mine. The thing is, if he wasn’t dating my friend then I would find him confusing, since he hangs out with me all the time, and sometimes it’s just the two of us.
So, basically, this is just to say that I’ve had lots of experience with guys and girls hanging out just as friends. Yes, it can be confusing, but it also can work out non-romantically and just be a great friendship.
Good points. I think in your case it helps that they guys are dating someone else because then you know where you stand. But even then, like you said, it does seem confusing. There are some people who can make it work, but often at some point the relationship will have to end – either because one person can’t keep being confused, or because there’s another person involved (a girlfriend) who is either jealous or of whom the friend is jealous. Girl-guy relationships are so complex, aren’t they!?!?
I personally know several friends who had great friendships with the opposite sex, and even had them in their wedding parties on “their” side. But in every single case that relationship had to come to an end (at least to the degree of the relationship) because marriage changed things.
Which raises another question I just thought of… as a girl who is friends with a guy who is dating someone else, how wise is it to keep up or work on that relationship knowing that once he is married the relationship will need to be completely changed. Because at that point very few wives would like their husband going out for coffee alone with another woman.
Do you have any ideas or thoughts, Elanor? You seem to have great answers!! I’d love to hear from you on that!
I love this scenario! This is an excellent question, in my opinion. Here’s what I think:
At first glance I think that, since it lacks the ‘formality’ of a date, it isn’t one.
But then I think, “What formality? If this isn’t a date, then what is?”
Back to the other hand. I think two friends (a guy and a girl) can definitely go for coffee without it being a date.
But I also agree with Ahria’s comment. Especially in this scenario- if this is not a date, why are they getting together for coffee?
To sum this up: I think that in this scenario, it’s a date whether the girl knows it or not.
But I do definitely think that a man and a woman can get together one-on-one for coffee and have it not be a date (ie. they’re just good friends, or a boss and an employee, etc.).
Good answer. I like your thinking. But may I ask a question? Then if this isn’t a date because it lacks the formality… what is the formality needed to make it a date? Let me throw a twist in this… What if ONE of them likes the other, but the other doesn’t or isn’t sure. (As I hope you got from this scenario, that likely the guy likes the girl.) Is it a date if one of them has feelings for the other? Or what if they both have feelings for each other but haven’t voiced them… can it still be just a coffee?
But I’m VERY interested to know what formality you think is needed to make this a date as opposed to just coffee!!
I suppose the formality would need to be simply making it known to the girl that this is a date. And also the girl shouldn’t just assume that they are dating. If he doesn’t say its a date, then you cannot be sure that it is. with lack of communication both guy and girl could potentially be setting up one of them for a heart break. Lets say the girl thought “well obviously he likes me… its not official but yeah, we’re dating”. But the guy was just like “hey I’m thirsty, I’ll call up my friend (girl) and we can go get some coffee”. Sometime its gonna come out that girl likes guy and guy doesn’t like girl and girl thinks this guy is a jerk because he led her to think he liked her. So she goes home with her broken heart and shattered dreams and cries over the phone to her friends about this jerk. Of course it could go the other way. Unfortunately, guys don’t communicate like they should and girls assume what they shouldn’t. So in many common situations… this formality is not a good thing to look for.
This is a really good question. I think that this is a date because they both are thinking about the other in a dating relationship way. She is thinking ” I could never marry this guy” And he is trying to make her like him. They were getting to know each other and seeing if they liked each other….. that’s a date. I think that it is totally ok for a guy and a girl to go for coffee and be just friends if they have been friends for some time already. These two just met and even though they haven’t called it a date that doesn’t really matter. You can call it what you call it but it still has the same purpose in mind… getting to know each other one on one to see if you actually would want to marry them some day. I disagree in the way they are going about their relationship. They just met once and then they went out as a couple. I think they should have gotten to know each other as friends first and gotten to know each other in a group setting before going out for coffee.
I’d say it’s a date – well, at least it looks like one. It’d help cement the “date or not date” question if he paid. The fact is that I love it when guys are uber, super duper clear and say “will you go on a date” with me? It takes all the guess work out and clarifies everything. It’s huge!
But even if he doesn’t call it a date, it still matters. It’s still a single guy and a single girl going to a place together. Now if their topic of conversation was all about the dual science project that they’re putting together, that’s a little different than “hey, wanna grab coffee?” It still matters.
Interesting… Which brings up another question… does what you DO or what you talk about change what it really is? Good comment! Thanks!
I completely agree with both Ahria and Krissy’s comments. They both have hit the nail on the head- I wasn’t sure how to word what I was thinking/feeling!
Like Ahria said, I think the missing formality is one of them expressly clarifying that it’s a date. But that is not always the case! There are plenty of ‘unofficial couples’. They’re “not dating but, yeah, we’re together!”… and definitely dating whether they clarify that or not!
Mrs. Coroy, in your reply to my comment you asked if it could still be coffee if they both have hidden feelings for each other. I’m not sure how to answer that!
Part of me says, “Yes, it can absolutely still be coffee! They are living as friends and neither of them know of the other’s feelings. Therefore- they are just friends.”
But on the other hand that seems totally illogical, because you can usually take clues from the other person’s behavior. Likely, they’d each suspect that the other liked them and at that point it would have a ‘date’ feel to it.
Ha! I don’t have any answers, do I?
Mrs. Coroy, I’m VERY eager to hear your take on this!
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This is one of those Seinfeld moments, isn’t it?
… allow me to play George then… 
I think basically, date = two people interested in each other, or at least willing to discover if they are. Both are, either instinctively or obviously, aware of this.
‘Just coffee’ between man and woman = tricky.
If one is married or involved and the other not = inappropriate with few exceptions
If both are married = inappropriate with few exceptions
If both are single… umm… ?! That’s the tricky one… I mean, 90% of what we communicate is non-verbal. Easy to misunderstand each other… (as your example illustrates)…
If it’s me, I’d ask him straight up. “Is this a date?” Oh yes I would. I really would.
Long answer;
Coffee is a short meeting, each paying separately and the discussion is not romantic in nature.
A date is longer, separate payment or not, with flirting involved, but this date can also only involve coffee.
Just coffee as described above can easily turn into a date if one of the people suddenly is attracted to the other, feels a rush of interest and flirts. It becomes a date for that person only, but not for both.
It is important to note that after the event, depending on each person’s perspective, they could describe it as either term.
Short answer;
it depends on the mental state of the individual, not on activities involved.
I think dates are when the people are clearly interested in each other. This girl is not interested, so coffee us like a ‘tester’ to see if you actually want to go on a date with this person. Maybe the formality that breanna was talking about is mutual interest?
It should be okay for a guy and girl to hang out together, or to go for coffee to get to know each other as friends before they decide to start pursuing another kind of relationship. Often people don’t get the chance to get to know another person of the opposite gender well enough to know if they’d actually WANT to date them. And then you try and get to know someone and everyone freaks out and asks you when you’re getting married…….. That’s at least what I and several others have experienced. My friend made a comment once about how she walked through the door into church with a guy friend and people asked her if something was happening between them.
I think as the society around we should let people decide what they want it to be, and not assume that it is or is not a date. And for the two in the situation, what is it to them?
Does that make any sense?
I think it’s a pre-date. I think to make it a real date their intentions would have to be made clearer to each other. Pre-dates can of course turn into dates midway if they start flirting, guy paying, continuing the date past what was initially planned, etc. But this meeting sounds pretty innocuous – the only thing that’s date-like is the stuff going on in their heads, and it’s not coming out in conversation or even body language. I no longer believe men and women can ‘be just friends’. There is nearly always an undercurrent in the friendship that wonders ‘what if’, even if they are otherwise attached to different people. But that doesn’t mean every encounter is a date. It is confusing, isn’t it?
Yes, Amy… I think it is confusing! And I fully agree with you that men and women cannot be ‘just friends’. There is head stuff going on that wonders, second guesses and analyzes everything – especially in the woman’s head. It’s that undercurrent you talk about that makes this such a difficult thing to navigate. That’s why I think it’s best to put it out there and obvious. That helps move the undercurrent to the main stream!